All change .....


Change is inevitable.
I know I know we've covered this ...trees change , leaves change bla bla.
Life can change in an instant or things can transform slowly (like leaves!).
Oak trees from tiny acorns grow…I love a metaphor.

It's how we deal with it that counts.
All change is an opportunity to learn and grow but we have to be open to new ideas and let go of old ones.

I think I speak from experience. I have gone through catastrophic change and also slower transitional changes.

The night my husband died I have vivid recollection of sitting in my kitchen, my mind in aftershock. I tried to focus on anything I could see to keep myself somehow grounded. I focused on the inanimate objects ….“kettle”.. forming the word in my brain like a 3 year old learning to read…. “toaster”.
Grasping for something solid, real, while it seems everything I knew had gone.
Not slid away, not gently altered but plunged instantaneously into a sinkhole. Gone.
Not just my best friend, my soulmate, my girl´s daddy- my planned future.

So that was traumatic change.

The last 10 years then have seen much slower change. I have been a bit like that post fabulous copper leaved chestnut tree- and a bit more like the nuclear holocaust looking one. Bare leaved, charred and well seemingly a bit dead inside!

That is not to say I haven’t been doing anything. I have been running my own business, paying the bills, juggling the everyday, I even tried to have a “open air quotes relationship close airquotes”

More importantly I have been doing another job, a job which I have taken remarkably seriously - I have been raising 2 humans.
And beneath the blackened bark there has been life, under the surface, progessing, growing.

And I do mean I was doing a job- I decided to take the job of “parent” pretty seriously- to put hard work and time into it.

I didn’t drive nigh on 3000 kms a year to track meets for my personal well being. I didn´t get up at 6.45 daily to make sandwiches and drop off for buses or make 300 km round trips to 5 am to collect bedraggled athletes just because I am control freak (ok I am a bit)

I did it to ensure my kids felt loved, felt I was always there for them. I wanted them to learn the skills and lessons to take them into their future lives.
I wanted them to learn resilience and courage and how to organise their time and how to fall down and get back up time and time and time again.

So in September I completed job number 1. I completed raising my firstborn to full blown adulthood. Yay me!

Now my eldest daughter has left for University the most common reaction I get is…”well they do fly the nest you know” with a look of pity behind the eyes.
And your other one will go too you know…”What will you DO??!!”

( Read- poor old pathetic widow woman who has dedicated her life to her children and now is going to be all alone to wander her house Miss Havisham style…)

And I smile and nod…(inside thinking of course I bloody know they fly the nest…that is why I have spent the last 18 years making sure their wings are so strong and bright and powerful you stupid person)

And what will I “DO” !

Well perhaps those green shoots are just beginning to find their way to the surface again.

Perhaps I will just “BE” for a while, but I will definitely “CHANGE” and going by this morning´s outpouring I will probably “WRITE!”